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HGolfers Profile
The first profile for the new 2020/21 season is Steve Mullender
Steve has yet to win a SBS golf day and will be trying to win at Oxley, where he will be parading up and down the first hole dressed as a pink parafin heater. His friends call him Shirty McShirtyface, in view of his love of his upper body attire, which he gets from Bilston market, on a vegetable store. Others call him Steve O'vet
Steve was born as a very small brussel sprout, down the back of a settee, during the fiirst Boer war.As a child he learned how to play piano, with his kidneys and his parents encouraged him to learn the sport of Goalpost, mamby pamby, imbecile boat, which he still plays today. This usually during golf.
He originally lived in a Christmas bauble in his loft, until he moved out to become a Self employed,hatstand, at Bilston library, where he carved pigeons out of toenails.
As many of you know Steve is a remarkable vet and has a wonderful practice in sunny Bilston, where he has learned the old ways of Billystonian, even learning how to speak the language. "He spakes it grert"
He loves to mend animals, even if he has to use superglue. there is no stopping him.
This terrific chap has had other jobs in his past, such as lemon squeezer at Wetherspoons, Popeye impersonator and Door hinge in a stationary shop.
Sporting Activities
Steve is an avid golfer and plays, with a set of Titleist Broomsticks. His stance is perhaps the most well known on our tour, as he likes to balance on one leg, play left handed and hook the ball to an imaginary cricket boundary.
Other sports he likes include, pogo stick yoga, chip shop space gargling and rottweiler wrestle grip.
Hobbies
The vitnry, as he is sometimes known, enjoys carving articles, such as laptops and iphones from his own back teeth.
He has joined a Klingon washing up team, in Peru, where he is the head boy. He has also tried his hand at sparing the rod and once made a pact, with a deity to invade Sedgley and form a mole grip spanner basketball team. It failed
Ambitions
Once he has grown his beard into the shape of a Pagoda, it hs intentions to build an underground petting zoo, where he will wear his pyjamas all day. He also wishes to try his hand at Geisha girl, grumble, stoat and intends to set a new speed record for eating a pile of sawdust through a straw
Talents
Steve can grow his feet to the size of two water skis in winter and float over Bradley canal. He can also make his legs utter words of wisdom in church, where he prays to a small avocado plant. In addition he can speak kitten, puppy, bad boy shout, drunken party and has a stab at distant drum.
Pet hates
Mr Mullender doesn't have many pet hates, but does not like paying too much for his underwear. Who does? In addition he mildly dislikes upside down, intricate back whistling, in his own fridge. Also he hates climbing Ben Nevis, in a thong.
Hopes for the future
World Peace is high up on his list. In addition, Steve would like people to be able to fly and be able to grow into beautiful butterflies, he tells us. He also wishes to remind us all that, never in the field of public houses, was so much owed, by so many to the bar staff. He would also like a red door on his house.
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Steve has won one Major and The Players Championship and now believes he can go on to greater things, such as a solo career as a Louis Armstrong tribute act and a bouncer in pubs around Coseley. He is localy known as Cloth Head-St Gargoyle to the folk in Kingswinford, where he lives in a large tub of margerine.
As a youngster he was born to parents who looked after him very well, until he reached the age of 57, when he damaged a mouse trap, situated in his cap. His parents were so annoyed they asked him to leave his hat and move out. He went to schooll in Wall heath where he studied Phlegm, grocery shopping and Hideous mole attachment therapy.
He left school at the age of 12 to pursue a business interest with a penguin. They had a good trade in eye socket, pencil poking for a few years before they separated to go their own ways. The penguin was a straight up sort of chap and went into a stand up career around local pubs and hairdressers in Tipton. Steve went into a coma.
At present Steve is a part time pencil sharpener at his local scout club and dresses in spandex for the Stourbridge Chess team
Sporting activities
Steve is a keen golfer and once sent a ball into a kangaroos jock strap His better activities include pacifist hoopla, bear grappling and gogo, menace brain slap waltzing. . He also likes to play God
Steve formed a legless, washed up ghost group in January this year, but as yet he has no gigs. He has tried his hand at Xray mental arithmatic crocus counting and coal. Other hobbies include easy drunk, dog share, chamelion painting and hidden pop
Ambitions
Steve is hoping to break the world speed record for snoring in Westminster Abbey before the age 152 and walk to the end of his garden naked smelling of a hint of rhino. He also wishes to remain anonymous, but coloured bright orange.
Talents
He can break wind and fuel Manchester for a week but his real talent lies with his nose, with which he can do magic tricks.
He speaks Germanic water treading, Harpy, Bed bug and Klingon. He can also tie knotts into a water melon and can set fire to a match and send smoke signals to Indonesia.
Pet hates
Meandering in Bradley, golf mouse and grundeling. He does not like the back nine of any golf course, mainly because he falls asleep after nine holes and scores like a one armed turtle.
Hopes for the future
World
peace, free holes for ferrets, dungeons to hide in and motorways made
of fudge.
He would also like to leave a remeberence stone dedicated to himself which will read "Steve Beach. falling over after two pints of Guiness and a glass of red"
He would also like to leave a remeberence stone dedicated to himself which will read "Steve Beach. falling over after two pints of Guiness and a glass of red"
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The first profile for this year (2016) is Andy Malcolm
Andy has won two Majors and wished to spell out, how he will be going about trying to join the illusive club of triple winners. He felt that golfers forum would be the best way of doing this. (How silly) He has a plan to do this and this involves three large drainpipes, a large glass of red wine, two pickled onions and a secret draft of sleeping potion.
Andy, known as Andy to his friends, has the nickname of "chip portion" but no one knows why. He is a local lad and was born in a pair of gloves near Dudley on sea. As a young lad he used to strip down to his pants and deep sea dive in a bowl of chicken soup,in front of an audience of Gnu's
He attended the Technical Robotic emu college for steam engines from the age of 13, before getting his first job as a Motorised Grease bump when he left school at the young age of 51 and has never looked back.
Andy has a habit of being able to tell the future and once predicted that if he jumped off the top of his three story home, he would
break something. He did. His pelvis and his fibula, besides suffering internal injuries.
He now owns his own business and his firm make small spectacles for visually impaired fish, tripods for the unfortunate and walking sticks for arachnids.
At present he is practicing to become a left handed halloween character as well as trying to unravel his own intestines onto a water hose spool.
Sporting activities
Andy is a keen golfer and once hit the ball. He also has a keen eye for wobbly leg interim farm ghoul exercising and likes a nice game of mental arithmatic ginger biscuit judo. He also likes to play Deity blink
Hobbies
Andy has tried his hand at getting the cat in and enjoys this so much he hangs around each night outside with a tin of cat food calling for his pussy. Other hobbies include dribbling, mamby pamby beer shouting, advanced drunk and meandering.
Ambitions
Andy wants to climb to the top of his stairs in a pink frog suit, eat the entire contents of his fridge in a minute and grow a full head of purple hair.
Talents
He can easily bend over backwards and smell the bottoms of his own feet and cut the lawn with his toenails. He cannot speak any
languages but can do House fly sign language and angry Bengali Tiger free form flag semaphor.
Pet hates
Filling his hat with squirel droppings and underestimating vampires. He also has a dislike of the first hole on the Lodge course at
Enville golf course where he is a member
Hopes for the future
World peace, free dental care for moths and pretty faces for all. He would also like to leave a legacy of himself and hopes everyone will remember him for his Free form Asda shopping list.
The first profile for the new season is Batmans arch enemy Peter Swift Big hitting six iron Pete Swift has always wanted to win a SBS Major championship and will try to continue his hunt this season.
In reality he would be better served buying some new Christmas crackers to get new jokes.
They call him Batmans arch enemy as he is the Joker in the pack.
Pete (Swifty to his friends and Eskimo brothers) was born out of necessity at the age of three and three quarters. His Father was a still life painting of a bowl of oranges and his Mother was a lovely lady, who used to be a a film star in the Bilston Enamel section of the Wolverhampton Library.
At the age of seven Pete increased his waist size to a staggering 78 inches within two days, so that he could accomodate a belt, brought for him by the Raj of Wednesfield to commererate Swifty's travel in time to The Battle of Waterloo where he ate Napoleon's boot, with a piece of beetaroot.
When he left school at the age of 29 he became a part time six inch nail and had the dubious honour of being the only piece of ironmongery to hold together the mayor's fencing panel in high winds.
He is man of many languages. Frog, Klingon, Mafia, Pigeon, Girls giggle and Soft furnishing are examples, but his favourite is Lawn mower.
At present he is a Grain of rice in a self levitating jar of marmalade, where he is studying to become a supernatural being.
Sporting activities
Swifty is of course a golfer and has a medal for knowing everything that his pet newt, Barry does.
He plays Individual flower boxing, kangaroo dry wall partying, moron healing and dog muddling. Another pastime of his is Garibaldi earwig, ornament, goldfish slapping
Hobbies
Apart from his many sporting activities Pete is a keen handkerchief and is determined to blow his own nose through a Chelsea bun. He likes modeling railways and has an O guage train set in his underpants. For those who who are not familiar with guage of model railways, this is full size.
Ambitions
None really as Pete has done most things in his life. He does say however that before he goes to live in Dorsett with his relatives that he would like to be a Queen on a table chess set, so that he can court the King. Later this year he will be moving away from the Midlands and also wants to dangle upside down from Bournmouth Chines whilst prodding himself with a line prop. (God knows why)
Talents
Shaving and portacabin toilet wrestling would be two we can mention, but Swifty has this remarkable talent to be able to sky dive from the top of Clent hills in a bath. He broke the world record for bath travel, through Tettenhall in 1999 and this still stands today strangely
Pet hates
Walking on his own head, smooth talking and Lulu. He also doesn't like eating in a space shuttle.
Hopes for the future
World peace, more Shakespeare plays about Princess Leah from Star wars and winning the race to Mars, where he has friends made out of shoes. He also wants the world to know that he likes liquorice.
Profile for
July is four
times Majors winner and drag artist Jason Maybury
For many years Jason has begged us to profile himself in this spot,
once
offering to pay at least 55pence to appear.
Jason was born at a very early age and despite his underwear, developed
quickly
into an up and coming brandy snap.When he was six, he joined a ladies
warp
drive, sieve race, technology class where he craved thewonders of
earwig boxing. He was brought up by a moth although he never grasped
the rudimentary language. He did however learn how to murmer
When
he left school, he
quickly became interested in stove punishing and won the under 18's
business
relay section. During the great recession he carried on his work with
stoves,
but had to quit the exciting gas type appliance scene when a hair on
his head
fell out ending a promising career through injury.
He then turned his attention to his job today, for which we all know
him.
Greengrocer, blue cheese advising. Carry on the good work old bean
Sporting activities include Golf, Spiritual
ghost dancing, Stiff
neck, Frobisher caravan horning and a little known sport known as
Hobbies Jason
loves to grow his own toenails in a bow, which can be seen by the way
he walks.
He also has a terrific record which no one knows about and this is fence painting in the
snow. He once
painted the entire length of Hadrians wall in a blizzard with his own
bacteria at such a
speed that he interupted the space time continium
Ambitions To be the centre of gravity in a beach ball.
When we
interviewed him Jason said his secret ambition was to become a spoon in
a
silver cutlery set and also wants to insert a shovel up his nose. In
addition he wants to do more for his chosen charity, The Red Lion
where
he will be attempting to break the record for the most barrells of beer
drunk
in one afternoon, whilst balancing on spike.
Talents A talented yodeller and car upholstery
cleaner, Jason
is also a keen interim poodle grooming polictician. He can speak bat,
goth and
nose warble.
Hopes for the
future.
World peace, space travel to his own garden and inverted teeth. Jason
also hopes everyone will be able to one day fly like a butterfly in a
bag of helium
Profile for May is
Society Fashion designer Paul Tristram who has not won a bean in our
Society days
Paul has hidden away from the high life of the SBS Golf Society mainly because he can't win a thing and his last outing at the SBS Masters produced a paltry and very poor 18 points (Pants Paul) Here are his thought in depth interview with him.
Paul was born in the back garden of a very wealthy Gnome, called Trist but was brought up by an alien life form, when he was 65 on the planet Ram. He then became known as Trist Ram (makes sense now doesn't it)
Paul has hidden away from the high life of the SBS Golf Society mainly because he can't win a thing and his last outing at the SBS Masters produced a paltry and very poor 18 points (Pants Paul) Here are his thought in depth interview with him.
Paul was born in the back garden of a very wealthy Gnome, called Trist but was brought up by an alien life form, when he was 65 on the planet Ram. He then became known as Trist Ram (makes sense now doesn't it)
No
one knows what his real job is, but he has, in the past been a
burrowing animal, as well as a page three girls in the Sun. He also had
a job as Chief swan on a pond in Tettenhall. Paul did have a job for
two days once as a blob of jam on the side of a plate of sandwiches.
There have been times when he has grown hair on his own back to raise
money for charity. He is
quite
a big fan of raising funds for charity and next month will be walking
the entire length a 12 inch ruler, whilst carrying his own weight in
cabbage in his socks.
Sporting activities include Golf, Parachute kneeling, Sleep walking and Beetroot splat crying. He does like to have the occasional game of farm animal peel guessing but hasn't done this since he called a sheep a goose and got into trouble with the farmer.
Hobbies Paul likes to state the obvious and is a keen fruit ghost hunter. He is very good at tree and rough avoidance, once going an entire round of golf without actually aiming a ball straight, but finishing on the fairway or green in regulation. Panda bear earwig staring is also high on Pauls list of hobbies. In addition he is a talented Punkawalla in his own shed
Ambitions The greatest ambition Paul has is to insert a baseball bat up his own nose to make himself cry. He has said that if he gets the time he would like to build a 100 yard Ark and sail it around the world full of a nest of angry bees.
Talents Paul can eat barbed wire through his ears, as well as swearing loudly under his breath. He can speak French, German, Spanish and Light bulb. He regularly speaks to a Deity called Kevin.
Pet hates Road begging is detestable Paul thinks as well as people who wear cushions under the bottom of their feet to avoid corns. He does not like Santa as he did not leave him a new pair of Oscar Jacobson trousers or a little dolly in his stocking las year
Hopes for the future. World peace, more pairs of Oscar Jacobson trousers and the hope that the scary man that hides in his bedroom under the bed will not eat him in the night
Sporting activities include Golf, Parachute kneeling, Sleep walking and Beetroot splat crying. He does like to have the occasional game of farm animal peel guessing but hasn't done this since he called a sheep a goose and got into trouble with the farmer.
Hobbies Paul likes to state the obvious and is a keen fruit ghost hunter. He is very good at tree and rough avoidance, once going an entire round of golf without actually aiming a ball straight, but finishing on the fairway or green in regulation. Panda bear earwig staring is also high on Pauls list of hobbies. In addition he is a talented Punkawalla in his own shed
Ambitions The greatest ambition Paul has is to insert a baseball bat up his own nose to make himself cry. He has said that if he gets the time he would like to build a 100 yard Ark and sail it around the world full of a nest of angry bees.
Talents Paul can eat barbed wire through his ears, as well as swearing loudly under his breath. He can speak French, German, Spanish and Light bulb. He regularly speaks to a Deity called Kevin.
Pet hates Road begging is detestable Paul thinks as well as people who wear cushions under the bottom of their feet to avoid corns. He does not like Santa as he did not leave him a new pair of Oscar Jacobson trousers or a little dolly in his stocking las year
Hopes for the future. World peace, more pairs of Oscar Jacobson trousers and the hope that the scary man that hides in his bedroom under the bed will not eat him in the night
Profile for
this month is Club Re-designer Mike Bache, who recently won the SBS
Open at Little Lakes.
Mike has been hoping for a while to have his thoughts published in Golfers profile and now, after an extensive interview here we are.
Mike was brought up in a fish farm, in Scarborough and from the off was a talented hearing aid. Currently he is a stand in Giraffe in a childrens nursery zoo and has a full time job as an Accountant, which he is very good at.
He has had many other jobs such as Field Grass, Fussy hat and has even tried his hand at Washing up.
Mike has been hoping for a while to have his thoughts published in Golfers profile and now, after an extensive interview here we are.
Mike was brought up in a fish farm, in Scarborough and from the off was a talented hearing aid. Currently he is a stand in Giraffe in a childrens nursery zoo and has a full time job as an Accountant, which he is very good at.
He has had many other jobs such as Field Grass, Fussy hat and has even tried his hand at Washing up.
Sporting activities include
Football, Coconut shying, Dry wall
sloping and Mike is also a member of the Highgate course at Enville,
having swore not to play The Lodge course again.
Hobbies Golf club re-designing (usually changing the heads now and then) and watching his favourite lemon Squezing Triad.
Beetroot forming is also high on his list of priorities
Ambitions To herd cows down Bilston high street whilst singing Rawhide and he would also like to appear on Big Brother as a microphone
Talents: Mike can swim the entire length of a small fish bowl without drawing breath and is a talented frowner. He can speak six dialects of wasp and is fluent in Martian
Pet Hates. The writer of this profile will shortly be on his list, but Mike dislikes any type of bright lights and cannot eat after midnight. (sounds familiar) He also hates his golf clubs and once took a set back claiming they did not work
Hopes for the future: World peace and the formation of a Marching peanut.
Hobbies Golf club re-designing (usually changing the heads now and then) and watching his favourite lemon Squezing Triad.
Beetroot forming is also high on his list of priorities
Ambitions To herd cows down Bilston high street whilst singing Rawhide and he would also like to appear on Big Brother as a microphone
Talents: Mike can swim the entire length of a small fish bowl without drawing breath and is a talented frowner. He can speak six dialects of wasp and is fluent in Martian
Pet Hates. The writer of this profile will shortly be on his list, but Mike dislikes any type of bright lights and cannot eat after midnight. (sounds familiar) He also hates his golf clubs and once took a set back claiming they did not work
Hopes for the future: World peace and the formation of a Marching peanut.
Profile for July focused on Co-Organiser of the SBS Golf Society Mr Mark Jones who joined the Golf days in 1997 at the Open at Wergs.
Mark does the marking at our golf days but has many secrets that will unfold in this profile.
Currently Mark works as an undercover agent for Banks brewery, secretly testing as much beer as he can. He also has a part time job as a central bridge support, on the Manchester shipping canal when he can be bothered to get up in the mornings. He tells us that there is only one 9 o clock in the day.
Interestingly his nose runs for 3 hours after he gets up, which is the only exercise his body gets during the morning.
Hobbies
Mark's Hobbies are many and include, dry slope peanut grovelling, pram diving and punching teddy bears faces. He is also a member of the Wall Heath second batalion of the Girl Guides.
Ambitions
When we asked Mark about the future he said he had plans to become a Porn star in Bilston and wants to grow an extra head. When he gets time he feels he would be good at pretending to be a steam engine on TV's Thomas the Tank engine and friends.
Talents
Mr Jones showed us some amazing tricks, when we visited his home for an interview. It transpires that he is able to bite his own toe nails whilst eating fish and chips through a straw.
In addition he can speak in tongues and has starred as a plastic model at the model railway exhibition at the NEC.
Pet hates
Time machines - You can never get one, then three come along at once.
Sperm - There was a 250million to one chance of one sperm making it to fertalise an egg and yet Alan Newell overcame all of that and still beat the odds
Hopes for the future
World peace and hopes that stilts will make a come back